Sometimes when you know.. you know

Here we are back at Borgata in Atlantic City. After 3 years I STILL get butterflies rumbling around in my tummy seeing the "Welcome to Borgata" sign. Man, I love this place! I can think of so many perks that this hotel and casino has to offer when others on the tournament trail completely fall short. My next few blogs will be going over the many reasons why, but for now let's get caught up with everything going on, shall we?

Today kicked off the beginning of the Borgata Poker Open with 22 events awarding a beautiful trophy and bragging rights of being champion in a prestigious poker tournament. With my eye on the prize (as well as 849 other players) I wanted to take this first one down. $72k for 1st place for a $350 buyin is a very nice payday if you ask me. Did I mention how cool the freakin trophy is?? Anyway, in my head I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind to get there and yet I played anyway. Have to keep going when you're on a heater, right? Yes things are going quite well for me in poker and I've really worked hard on my game. Taking 12th in Borgata's Labor Day tournament ( still disappointed I didn't final table) showed that I'm itching to get my first big win under my belt and get that dang monkey off my back once and for all! Only a tiny voice in my head kept saying I should take it easy and focus on a different day to take one down. All I could hear was I can't do this, not today. But I refused to listen knowing full well what the outcome would be. Why, you might ask, am I hearing this voice? Well, I did say that these blogs were going to get a bit personal, and again against my better judgement, I'll open up and let it out.

*warning it gets a bit sad *

9 years ago, on September 9th 2000, someone I loved with all my heart committed suicide and left my world shattered in an unbelievable mess. I was left broken and lost and honestly didn't know how I was going to go on with my life. I was a junior at the University of Arizona coming back from a study abroad in Paris. Life up until that point was starting to look promising. I was having problems with my live in boyfriend of 2 years and believed that breaking up with him was the right thing to do to become a happier and more independent woman. Being 21, I thought I knew everything and didn't know that one simple decision would change my life forever.

I need to stop as it's still painful to rehash everything that happened and I really want to finish this blog instead of delete it like I usually end up doing. The urge to delete this post is so overwhelming, but I promised I would be open, didn't I? Furthermore only a handful of people know how horrible this story went and the after math that I had to go through.

Fast forward 9 years later to 9-9-09 and I'm amazed at where my life has taken me. Holy crap I f'n made it!!! The past few days leading up to today I kept telling myself that I'm over everything. Hell, it's been almost a decade! Yet the more I kept telling myself not to think about it, the more it would be there in my mind. All day today I tried to dismiss the thought of what happened and my eyes would well up with tears forcing me to blink them away quickly before anyone noticed. I would try and say it's just because of the sequence of numbers that it's so hard to forget. If anyone knows me, they know I have a bit of OCD when it comes to numbers especially sequences of 3's. Only this excuse fell flat as I'm sure if it had happened on any day, as with my older sister's, I would never be able to let it go and forget. My good friend Roland even sent me words of wisdom after I told him I couldn't push it out of my head: "If you tell yourself it's nothing it will pop up. Accept it for what it is, acknowledge that thoughts can't hurt you, and get on with your day." Too bad I didn't apply it until after I busted from the tournament.

This morning I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw were the roses Paul sent to me and the flickering candle (the one with the light bulb that resembles a flame) that The Water Club sets out for turn down service. What a beautiful way to wake up! I took a deep breath and absorbed all the love I could and let it surround my heart. My first thought was: See, nothing is wrong today! Man, I'm a stubborn one.

I finished getting ready and headed to the event center to take my seat. Walking up to my table I notice it's all the way to the back/ middle of the room and turned the opposite direction of all the other tables. I ask the dealer what's up with our table and he replies it's where the final tables for the next day would play out. I joke and say, Damn I should have been more specific when I visualized playing at the final table. At this point I began to slowly slip.

Sitting down the painful memories began and were brushed away just as fast as they appeared. For the first few hands we played four handed and everyone was very jovial and talkative. Soon after the rest of the table began to fill the people who came to play made it be known. After having a few of my raises called by weak hands and winning I felt my tilt factor rising. Being the first level and blinds only at 25/ 50 I got up and decided I need to take a break now or I'd be out before the second level. This ended up being the best thing for me as my friend Al on media row went with me and let me vent to him about what was going on. After a while I felt better and returned to my table in the 2nd level. I ended up chipping all the way up to 24k in the 3rd and was feeling great. WooT!

(photo credit: Allen Rash)

Alas it was short lived as I started to get upset at a few things going on at my table. A woman who was a dealer at the Taj came up to her husband in the 9 seat and began massaging him and speaking in a different language. When I asked that she be told to step away I ended up making an enemy with the man playing. He was pissed, which in turn made things more difficult at the table for me. Playing in the 4th level I was involved in a hand where the 7 seat won and was celebrating and laughing with the nine seat about doubling up off me. He continued to laugh for the next three hands and I had to just sit there and stew. Bring on the melt down.

I knew I was on tilt yet didn't even care. Paul sent me BBMs saying to get off the table and he would call me to calm me down. Lately I've been so great about not going on tilt, but today, was just not my day to mess with me. Instead of getting up to take the call I decide to get it all in on the flop with an open ended straight draw and back door flush draw w/ J10clubs on the button against kings. Like they always say, when you're on tilt you never get there, and I was sent packing to the rail. I shrug it off and head back to my room.

I must say staying at The Water Club is just about the best thing after busting from a tournament. Not only is the room beautiful, but the view is breathtaking! Thinking everything is fine I become entranced by what was going on outside. I sat down by the window and watched the boats out in the marina and the waves making their way to shore. Right then the tears came. This time I let them out as no one was around to see and I was finally alone. I cried for a few minutes took a few deep breaths and let it go. Taking my friends advice from earlier I acknowledged all my thoughts I had pushed away and decided to get on with my day.

Pulling it together I washed my face and joined Ray Stefanelli (my boss and very cool guy), Brian (another very cool guy who works at Borgata/Water Club) and Chuck Darrow ( a writer for the Philadelphia Daily News) at Forneletto. This Italian restaurant is one of the newest additions to the amazing line up of places to eat at Borgata. I highly recommend dining here. Make sure to save room for dessert! I renamed the chocolate dish with Nutella: Chocolate Love. lol. It's my new favorite. To wrap things up, the food was amazing as well as the company and all my sad thoughts were finally gone and my usual big smile was back where it belongs.

(photo: http://www.theborgata.com/ )

**I must apologize as I did not want to make this blog sad and yet two in a row... eek! I promise my next blog will be light and funny. Until then, I wish you all the best of luck. And don't worry, I'm back and ready for action with plenty more opportunities to make my first big win!

G' night everybody.

xoxo

Lacey