Out with it

For the longest time I've been my hardest critic. Always trying to make everything perfect. Always striving to do better. Always wanting to make sure "My Life" was worth it. All of the pain and traumatic experiences I've lived through must have all happened because... my life will have some meaning. This f*'d up thought constantly pulls at my being each day and makes me so driven. And yet nothing I ever do is good enough for me. Why is that? Perfection is driving me insane and will no longer hold me back. I'm doing the best I can do. Take it or leave it. If I screw up, then I learned something. If I didn't do something right the first time, it won't happen again. Easier said than done. But maybe just maybe I can get on with living my life and not worry if everything is perfect.

I'm going to start being more open and honest with my blogs. I'm tired of always making happy posts and updates. Against my better judgement, I'm going to reveal more about me and my life experiences in the hopes that it might help others. I'd like to ask the haters and critics to just pretend I don't exist and let me be. My blog is for me, my family, friends and fans that care about my life. If you don't like me, why are you reading this?

Recently I've had enough B.S. learning who my real friends were after this WSOP. This summer was great and yet horrible all at the same time. I was stabbed in the back multiple times and abandoned by close friends. I even had people try to steal my job by doing horrible things to me before I went on camera... sometimes even in the middle of shooting. Are you kidding me? I would NEVER do anything close to what I experienced this summer to a friend let alone an enemy.

Honestly though it's actually quite funny. You see, none of that is anything close to what I've been through in my life. My best friend Alex and I laughed about it when I went to Vancouver. All these silly girls trying to cut me down had no clue my roots are strong.

You can't hurt me.

I've been through more pain than most people have gone through in a lifetime by the time I was a teenager. Only with each year it progressively got worse. More people I loved would die and more adversity would be thrown on my path. So many times I was broken and thought I wouldn't make it through. So many times. And yet I still compare myself to an 8 year old girl I once knew. It was meeting her that changed my life forever.

This beautiful blonde with bright blue eyes would instantly charm your heart. Her strong personality and sense of humor made everyone fall in love with her the second you met her. There was just something about her... this kind of light. One would be instantly shocked and saddened knowing she had been raped on a nightly basis by her father and her uncle. I was lucky enough to meet this girl at the worst time in my life (at least up until that point) completely lost and broken. I was 16 sitting in a hospital sobbing and ready to give up after everything that had recently happened to me. This beautiful little angel walked up, wrapped her arms around me and told me, "If I can make it though, you can make it through." If you could only see how much pain was in her eyes you'd never forget. It kills me to think about what she had seen.

At that moment something clicked. The trauma didn't go away, but I knew I had to be strong. I knew I could never give up. Nothing I ever go through will ever come close to what my friend experienced. It is this child that I think about each time I feel like giving up. Bless her heart. This world can be so beautiful and yet so fucked up at the same time. I hope and pray that *T* is still alive and happy and wish that I could somehow tell her she was right.

This is one of the many reasons I strive to be happy and thankful each and everyday.

Never give up and fuck the haters.